it’s been a journey

I had a moment of introspection yesterday that I wanted to share. 

This week, I posted about how my relationship with the word “disabled” has changed. I shared how all through the years in high school, university, and even at the start of my work experience, I kept my disability at arms length in an effort to fit in. 

I wanted so desperately to be like any other person in the classroom or the workplace, that I had this massive wall built up between the person I wanted to be seen as, and my disability. 

In my mind, if I focused on just being categorized as a wheelchair user, not disabled, then I could keep the mantle of stereotypes and disability narratives off my body.

I'm going to pause here a little before I go on. Because reading and acknowledging that now makes me so sad. It's made me feel so much compassion for that younger version of myself who was hyper-focused on moving forward, and keeping up — no matter how exhausting that was. I had very little space for softness and ease.

And it made me quite stubborn and determined. I had a vision for how I was going to get places and do things, and that meant I wasn't always receptive to other people's input.

After I shared this post on Instagram, I had a family friend reach out to let me know how touching they found the post. And how they, as an adult in my life at the time, had no idea I was going through that much. 

And how could they? 

I didn't even really know it at the time either. I was in survival mode. And when you're in survival mode, the only thing you can really do is be and do. You don't process the why. You don't process the impact it might have. 

The reason I want to keep telling this story is that I'm certain there are many girls and young women around the world who are experiencing a version of this. Because as much as I want to believe it, society has changed enough in the last 20 years to make disabled women feel comfortable in their experiences. So, the natural response is to try and control what we can control — and that's often how we interact with our disability. 

What has changed, though, is how accessible the disability community is now. When I was a teenager, Facebook was only just a thing, and Instagram was a blip in the future. Social media was in its infancy, and unless the local region had a strong and vocal community, or your medical infrastructure was good at connecting you with people, it was very easy to do what I did and stay far away from the community. 

If I had had the access to community I do now, who knows what might have been different? 

So, if you know someone who might be struggling — or you yourself are struggling — my first suggestion is to find people on social media who might share similar experiences to them. Having parts of your own story reflected back at you is such a powerful thing. It was a massive turning point for me.

Plus, following people on social media is such a low-pressure thing. You don't have to engage or converse or comment any more than you feel comfortable doing. And then you can take it from there.