My internalized ableism isn’t going anywhere

I started off the year excited. It feels like 2024 is going to be full of potential and new opportunities. I feel a buzz every time I think about where else I can take Seated Perspectives (more on this soon, I promise). And the fact that I'll be meeting members of the community in person at Rollettes in July makes me giddy! 

I went into my therapy session last week filled with this excitement — gushing about all the things I was visualizing for myself — and the very next day the universe said “not so fast" and gave me a bad cough. 

Being out of commission for almost a week was hard. I had little energy, spent a lot of time napping, and also spent a lot of time berating myself for not being able to participate in household tasks in the way that I do usually. I watched my husband take on more of the work (completely willingly) and felt guilty. 

It was a clear reminder that despite how much my relationship with my disability has evolved, I still have plenty of internalized ableism to contend with. It's far from fun, and I'm not sure if it will ever fully go away.

Living with internalized ableism

Here are some of the things I told myself last week while I was sick: 

• Why is it taking me so long to do this simple task?

• I should be helping more

• I'm being even more than a burden than I usually am

• I'm being useless

Some of these thoughts were fleeting, and some of them got stuck in my mind for longer than I'd care to admit. And what's more annoying is that I fed these stories to myself. My partner didn't expect anything from me other than to rest. 

What's also exasperating is that this is something most people in the disability community deal with, sometimes on a daily basis. Because of systemic ableism, and the way society views disability, it's remarkably easy for us to fall into the trap of internalized ableism.

So, is there a secret to managing it? I think it depends on the person. To me, sometimes I need to sit with the uncomfortable and unhappy feelings for a little while before I have a stern talking to with myself. 

At other times, I lean into that internalized ableism only to realize how silly I'm being. On those occasions, I need to think about what I would say to anyone else feeling these feelings, and say it to myself. 

What I hope to do moving forward is to identify the internalized ableism before it settles in — that way I can tell it to fuck right on off. But what I also hope is that I can be gentle with myself when I do fall into a spiral. I hope that I can be kind to myself and then find what energy I do have to call out the internalized ableism. 

I hope that I can continue to build community with other disabled people and do what I can to remind them that they don't have to listen to that voice when it comes along.

Thanks for reading, everyone!